4. Shame: A Hidden Dimension in Women's Ambition
Presenter:
Judith P. Kaufman, MSW
Chair:
Andrew P. Morrison, MD
Shame is the most excruciating and least discussed aspect of women's struggles with ambition. I will argue that shame and shaming, as contextualized in history, culture, and the family, is a major obstacle both to women's achieving career goals and to enjoying their abilities and successes. I will demonstrate, using the work of Broucek, Jones, Morrison, Morrison and Stolorow, and Schore, that it is not failing to succeed that causes women to feel shame, but failing to live up to such deeply held feminine ideals as being attuned, caring, and nurturing, or being a sexual object. Success itself can represent failing to live up to feminine ideals. Women also feel ashamed when they experience and then come to expect malattunement from significant objects to their ambitious strivings. As a result, they cannot experience their abilities and successes, disavow these assets, and, therefore, cannot integrate them into their sense of self. Four themes commonly emerge when women grapple with ambition: fears of hurting significant others, particularly children and husband; fears of being hurt by others; submissive relationships with male mentors; and the plight of being frozen in middle management. In each of these dilemmas, which I illustrate with clinical examples, shame is the hidden essence. I also discuss implications for treatment.